conceived twins naturally....TWICE IN A ROW

by hashia
(St. Thomas VI)

My story hasn't quite ended just yet, but more like an evolution of understanding the true range of motherhood. Although it is long, I hope that it can help serve beneficial to anyone who lost a twin.

My name is Hashia. I have a five year old girl named Jaina, a three year old boy named Malcolm, another boy who is one named Quinn (one of an identical), and currently 29 1/2 weeks pregnant with twin girls.

In Feb 2007, we found out we were pregnant with twins. However, at my 10 week ultrasound there was a growth discrepancy of 3 days between the two boys. That is quite a gap at such an early gestation. We thought of TTTS right away. We wanted a choronicity test, but my doctor insisted on waiting until the 15 week ultrasound to better see if there was one placenta or two. My fifteen week ultrasound showed one big placenta and a growth discordance of 7 days between the two babies. Since the ultrasound couldn't really differenciate whether or not I had one or two placentas, I left the island that I live on to stay with my mother-in-law. There, I stayed on bedrest while my mother-in-law watched the kids and my husband stayed back to work.

It was really hard bonding with the babies and my pregnancy not knowing exactly what was going to happen. Was it TTTS? I kept having characteristics, but never a stage. The amnio results showed that they were identical but without any chromosomal defects. By week 20, the discordance was 16 days. The weekly ultrasounds were tedious, not knowing if baby B was alive. I just kept praying to get to a gestational age that they could be born with the best chances of survival. At 28 weeks, steroids were administered as well as bi-weekly biophysical ultrasounds.

30 weeks and 3 days. That was the day my husband's flight landed with a message telling him that he needed to drive directly to the hospital. That morning my ultrasound showed that Baby B had no diastolic flow. The c-section was underway. Baby A was Quinn. He weighed in 3lb 12oz. Baby B was Duncan. He was 2.2 lbs. The pathology results for the placenta showed there were two placentas fused together with Baby B's being smaller with infarctions.....basically it never formed quite right.

Being so paralyzed with fear, I just wanted to see Duncan in case he passed away. The neonatologist reassured me things were fine. For 36 hours he breathed on his own....then was intubated to help with his oxygen saturation. There were no medical emergencies or problems. He had a clean bill of health other than the natural preemie issues. After a few days, the doctor's recommended closing his PDA with some medicine to help with the oxygenation. Two days later, he went into congestive heart failure! The blood shunting from the PDA was actually keeping him alive. There was an underlying coarctation of the aorta that didn't show up on the ECHOs. Even after a surgery, he passed away at 16 days old.

Did I know that this was going to happen? Did my mother's intuition keep me from bonding? Should I have known this would be the end? I felt guilty for not knowing what I thought I should. I racked my brain feeling so inadequate for all that happened. Then a moment of clarity that I wasn't meant to know but instead just learn my lesson. MY LESSON was the art of acceptance. Instead of "getting over it", I "went through it". In the end, I knew there was no more looking back.

FAST FOWARD TO DEC 2008...... I am pregnant again! We had wanted four and were so excited. I went for a 6 week ultrasound and there was only one fetus. Things were progressing fine except for the fact that my head was in a pillow for two months. The morning sickness was close to intolerable. I never had it so bad in the previous three pregnancies. Also, I seemed to gain weight faster but attributed that to already having given birth to four children, my last pregnancy being twins.

20 week ultrasound. The perinatologist says, "so, you already know that you're having twins?" My husband almost hit the floor saying, "what with two beating hearts?" IT WAS TWINS AGAIN!!!

This time we have two little girls inside who are doing fairly well. Both have seperate placentas and are growing within range. Baby A is a bit smaller but not enough for worry. I am hoping to get to 36 weeks and have a successful VBAC.

I think that GOD gave us all more power, wisdom, and strength than we want to accept. There are definitely times when we think that we just can't take anymore. There are times when we want to quit. The truth is that everything passes and we get to look back with a feeling of accomplishment. I now know I can definitely handle the craziness of twins like every other mom out there. :)